Friendship and Social Fitness

I've had many, many close, intimate (It's entirely possible to have intimate relationships with other men/people you aren't romantically involved with), and meaningful friendships (and frenemyships), over the last 43 years.

Long story, but I'm a member of an organization, where we have a Common Purpose, and regularly work together.

Many of these relationships have been somewhat "transient," where we were very close, for a time, and have drifted apart. No animus, we just went different paths. I always enjoy running into them, later, and take pleasure in their success (or sadness, in their not-success).

I'd say that most of my current close circle have been there for around 25 years.

I'm quite grateful for it. I know that there's a huge problem, with folks (especially men), my age, becoming quite isolated, and, in my opinion, it is quite unhealthy; both mentally, and physically.

To have a friend, I must be a friend. It's been very important for me to be as open-minded, honest, and accepting, as I want others to be, for me.

I have also had a number of fairly close friendships, that began as antagonistic relationships. I've learned not to burn bridges.

One of the behaviors that I see here (and elsewhere, in teh Internets Tubes), is folks that begin relationships with attacks. We've never ever had any interaction with someone, and our very first contact, ever, is an attack.

It seems to be a sign of the times. I suspect that remote communication makes that easier. It's a lot easier to attack someone, if you are not within right hook range.

Also, I think that limited interaction makes it easy to think of others as one-dimensional "caricatures," and we can ignore the aspects that we may find in common, or attractive. I think that it is also easy to project false narratives and motives onto people on the other end of an electronic medium.

It's been my experience that every single person that I've ever met, has a life story, and, often, that story has a great many places that intersect or run parallel to my own. I have also been surprised, at finding that I have great admiration for some folks, once I learn more about them, and that helps to mitigate the places we disagree.

The problem is, though, I also see this antagonistic behavior translated IRL, and, in some venues (like this one, where a lot of extremely influential folks hang out casually), it can result in real personal damage.

> It’s unwise to discard these investments or be reluctant to recover them, especially when the cost is a simple message and conversation every now and then.

Hilariously out of touch quote in article that is on a surface level so thoroughly researched. There is nothing simple about "message and conversation every now and then"

The author touches on this themselves:

> I was relieved — I didn’t want to dwell on my present circumstances because it would have highlighted how much our paths have diverged.

Delightful read. I second the authors sentiments about awkward reconnections during COVID Lockdowns that turned into rekindled friendships.

I wonder what the interaction between having friends and having a close family is. Does friendship mean more (or less) if your family bonds are stronger?

Better schedule in some time to meet a friend this week - maybe in place of going to the gym!

These three paragraphs seem to be duplicated:

    One lesson here is preventive — don’t let your friends become strangers. The more time that passes between conversations, the more they become an unfamiliar person.
    
    This is important for a society that is growing increasingly concerned about loneliness and friendlessness. Some even suggest that we are in a “friendship recession,” with 20 percent of single men now saying they don’t have any close friends. It’s not just men, though. A 2019 survey found that 30 percent of millennials of both sexes said they are always or often lonely, and 27 percent said they have no close friends.
    
    Gen Z doesn’t look much different and might even be in a worse position. In her 2023 book “Generations,” the psychologist Jean Twenge points out that from the 1970s into the 2000s, teenagers spent about two hours per day with friends. By 2019, this had dropped to just one hour per day. In the 1970s, more than half of 12th graders got together with their friends almost every day. By 2019, only 28 percent did.

I was wondering if I accidentally scrolled up...no, turns out the text was actually duplicated.

If you are interested in friendship, highly recommend this podcast which looks at various aspects of it. (The host is an acquaintance.)

https://ninabadzin.com/podcasts/

I find something disturbing in using capitalist analogies like "investing" to reason about core human activities, and simply pinging people to keep in touch.

In this mode of thinking having a group of friend from diverse backgrounds for instance can be seen be like a loose corporation, with division of labor to model the various professions everyone has. Or advice and services can be traded in a social credit scheme between friends.

In the end, once we've been dehumanized by our lifestyle, the answer needs to include some rehumanizing message, such as "actually care about your friend, help them if you can and spend quality time with them, they are you in different circumstances".

Considering personal relationships as "investments" of sorts disgusts me to the core...