How to get to know someone (2018)

If I wasn't as conflict-averse as I am, if someone I just met were to start asking me these questions my first reaction would be,

why should I tell you any of this? What makes you think you're worthy of my most personal thoughts? How do I know you're someone I can be vulnerable with? I don't share most of these thoughts with my closest friends and family in normal circumstances, why should I trust a complete stranger with it?

Here's how I'd phrase it to make it sound less creepy:

> How did your parents meet?

(Share something about myself and then ask) Where are your parents from?

> What was your favorite thing to do at recess in 3rd grade?

What was your childhood like?

> What’s a decision you’re trying to make right now? Do you want to walk me through your thinking?

So, any big plans for the future?

> What thing did you buy for under $50 that brought you the most joy/convenience/utility?

Do you like shopping? It's such a chore for me.

> What do you believe most strongly that you can’t prove?

Do you follow any religion or spiritual practice?

> What do people misunderstand about you when they first meet you? What do your best friends know about you that your acquaintances don’t?

I think sometimes people kinda misunderstand us without knowing us well. What do you think?

I understand that you want to stand out and go beyond platitudes and canned answers. But for me, I always get a bit uncomfortable with these sorts of questions.

I've been on dates where I've gotten a barrage of questions like these. What makes me feel like backing off is that they seemingly come out of the blue and appear as canned interview questions. I also get the feeling that I'm getting judged on my answer. That some answers are more "right" than others, for example the article's question about material gifts versus experiences. Will I tick the box as materialistic if I mention that my best gift was an object?

Most of these questions would make me uncomfortable if they came from casual acquaintances.

IMHO, getting to know someone takes time. And willingness to be vulnerable yourself. It's not a one way street.

> What’s a decision you’re trying to make right now? Do you want to walk me through your thinking?

Whoa, why don't you take 2 steps back, new friend

These questions are a huge turnoff to me.

They suggest a hustle mindset that just wants to get certain results.

For me, and I suspect a lot of others, the journey in getting to know someone is a huge part. The small talk, the process of getting more comfortable to ask deeper questions, etc is all part of the journey.

Being asked these questions at the outset feels like the person asking is just trying to get more check marks for non-superficial relationships without putting in the time.

Personal perspective

> Here are some questions I’ve found fun to ask people I’ve just met to get to know them.

If you are asking these questions to people for fun, I’m very certain that it won’t be fun very long with most of the people you meet.

I've found that the best way is to nudge people to let them talk more about their things (be it work, of personal/family) from their own. Based on their own stories, and the narrative, augment that with relevant questions and keep making them talk. Based on the body language, and the tone, it is easy to realize that sometime I need to talk too and I try to "communicate."

All the questions, I feel, will come out in time eventually. Don't make it an interview to complete within a time-slot or at one-go.

    How did your parents meet?

This seems like a bad bad way to start and anything but a "soft ball". There's a lot of people out there who'd rather think as little as possible about their family of origin.

The "creepy" vibe is because answering honestly to some of these, for many people, is going to be fairly severe thoughtcrime. You'll need to exude some really strong "not a fed" vibes for those to work.

I really wonder under what circumstances one would actually weave these questions into a conversation. They sound incredibly robotic, what kind of person talks like this to strangers?

Strangely enough, I'd be more comfortable answering "Most people squirm/try and get out of answering these" than "Soft ball" questions. Should I, uh, reconsider something about my attitudes?

At first I was super weirded out by these questions, but I do think these are good convo starter but the delivery must be less straightforward, instead of directly asking these questions, I would rather start from something small then see if anything that can lead me to getting to know better about people, actually listen and respond is the key i suppose

edit: nvm I changed my mind, I think "intentionally starting a conversation" is somewhat unnatural, If I'm actually curious about a person, the conversation will start naturally

I specifically am turned off by the superlatives aspect of the questions, as in "what is the best..." or "what is the most...". It immediately leads me to think about what metric is being used to measure it, since my "best" or "most" something may not be yours, and so I can't really answer, and instead would go off on a tangent about the meta aspect of the question.

So, if you are going to ask me about something, just ask without forcing me to rank things against some undefined scale.

This probably combines well with https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FM_2-22.3_Human_Intelligence_C... or maybe that's where it's from, I haven't read the full report. Always interesting to read these declassified HUMINT documents, and to wonder how I would do if I were subjected to this kind of inhuman questioning.

> What is your most radical belief?

> Gives you a sense for if they think independently. Call them out if what they say is something you’ve heard before or 30%+ of the people in the room would agree with what they say is their most “radical” belief.

This isn't a measure of independent thinking, this is whether they're a complete nutjob.

A lot of these questions would make me cringe off the face of the earth.

>What is your love story? Who did the wooing?

>Who did the wooing?

Mother of God...

Something of a tangent, but I misread "What do you believe most strongly that you can’t prove?" to mean "What theory do you believe is the most unprovable?" the first time, and I suspect it might be an equally interesting question.

As some other commenters here noted, most of these questions are uncomfortable when coming from strangers. But! I can imagine (asking and) being asked (some of) these questions by someone whom I already met/spent some time with and am interested in becoming closer with them (being asked and not getting uncomfortable, that is to say). Like if you meet a person in a group settings (once or multiple times), spend some time with them, they seem interesting and fun, and then you meet that person but without the group. One more important thing to note, as some other commenter below noted, the questions from the articled should be adapted to the context - instead of flat out asking "Tell me, how did you parents meet?" like a weirdo, what about first mentioning something about yourself and your parents and only then asking something about their parents (like where are they from, or something alike).

Additionally, if you just keep asking these personal questions, one after another, without taking time to give away something about yourself (and also reacting to the environment; conversations don't happen in a vacuum), that is not "getting to know someone" that is interrogation. There are no shortcuts in making friends. It just takes time (and effort, obv).

Yeah, well, I thought I could find something about finding the motivation to get to know someone. Alas, I was wrong. This assumes I already want to get to know someone, but that almost never happens to me.

Lately, I've been enjoying superficial things. When you come into contact with something superficial — whether it's people, objects, or relationships — it slaps you in the face with the reality that everything ends. It shows its true face at the first encounter.

The opposite things, the ones that give you deep connection and long-lasting relationships, are the illusion. They provide a false sense of permanence, meaning, or some deep mystical value that doesn't exist. Given enough time, everything will end.

So I'm stuck at the previous step: I don't know how to find the motivation to get to know someone.

I got one of these types of questions in a job interview once, I think it was: "in your life what do you regret the most" and I was torn between showing true honesty, possibly getting emotional, and staying professional in the answer. So context here is super important: what does this [chatty person / interviewer / evaluator / investigator / lawyer / judge] really want to know, and why? ... and what does it tell me about them and their attitude!

No one else would find these kinds of questions simply intolerable? I'm reading these thinking "seriously???"